It’s been nearly two years since I have been classified as healthy and maintained a healthy weight. Two years and I still feel like I am fat everytime I look into the mirror. I am told I am beautiful, but I just fail to see it. I am working on my mental image of myself and trying to look nice and take care of myself, when it struck me. I know…
I am going to try and put a positive spin on the holidays this year. Holidays have never been huge for me. I had a single mother, who worked too hard, a father who didn’t care, and to add to matters my mother lost her mother when she was 20, on Christmas eve. So we have a few little traditions… but mostly we avoid the holidays like the plague.
So for the first time in eons, I am feeling 100% happy. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst, because that’s the kind of person I am…. but for now lets share why. Saturday we adopted a baby sister for Charli. Wow, that sounds like a human, well in my world dogs are my life, my kids, and the reason I get up. Literally! If I am not out of bed at an acceptable time, Charli makes sure I am.
Now I posted Charli awhile ago, and she sure has grown:
I didn’t think it was going to be so difficult to stop the binge, purge and starve myself. It’s now been 3 days since I last did either. I know 3 whole days, that’s nothing, but you have to start somewhere. The holidays are especially difficult. Not only are their treats everywhere you look, but I feel pretty insecure and with my family dynamic it is hard to feel like I belong anywhere.
It’s become apparently clear, I have maintained my weight within a Medically acceptable range for over a year now. I should be proud of myself, but am not. Why? Because I am a fraud. I don’t eat healthy and exercise to maintain my weight. I binge, purge, overeat and then starve. To everyone else I am faking it, looking like I am getting a hold of my disorder and not worrying people. I walk the tight rope of weighing myself to make sure I stay within range, but barely eating. To me, I can not even look at myself in the mirror. I am an embarrassment!
Let’s be honest! I no longer look forward to the holidays. I miss the simple days when Thanksgiving was about cooking with my mom, watching football, playing family games and just plain spending time together. When Christmas with a single mom, meant we got pajamas, made cookies and watched movies.
I have been reading a wonderful book called Lean In, by Sheryl Sandberg, and am really surprised at how much I identify with the book. It’s not about my weight and food issues, instead it’s about how women in general tend to underrate themselves, not take risks, and in general are much more emotionally critical then men.
For every story she tells about a specific issue, I have one about that same issue. I am now feeling pathetic that I can be so boxed into this category and I am going to start trying to change my self destructing behavior. My goal for today is to fake it until I feel it. I am going to act like I am confident, competent and happy. I am going to smile until I really feel it in my soul. I am going to not let others make me feel incompetent or small. And like Sheryl, perhaps I will begin to feel it.