Thoughts

Healing

I didn’t think it was going to be so difficult to stop the binge, purge and starve myself.  It’s now been 3 days since I last did either.  I know 3 whole days, that’s nothing, but you have to start somewhere.  The holidays are especially difficult.  Not only are their treats everywhere you look, but I feel pretty insecure and with my family dynamic it is hard to feel like I belong anywhere.

Today I am obsessed with the fact that I need something sugary, and trying to convince myself that it’s an addiction and not a need is proving to be a pain.  So I am writing instead.  I have been interested in trying to learn other ways to treat depression and eating disorders.  I have not had a good experience.  Being drugged not good!  The next issue I have been having is the specialists in my area, really specialize more in overeating and being overweight.  One specialist actually had the nerve to talk to me about portion control, when I weighed 82 lbs.  Sick!  I didn’t need help with portions, I needed help with eating and not feeling like I was a pig if I ate even an almond.  I lived on an apple and a coke a day in those days, and now that I look back I looked awful and felt even worse.  Today my body still doesn’t feel better because I still cannot manage this eating normal thing.  I go in cycles, which confuses me.

I have been trying to focus on me and making myself happy.  Which is new to me.  It feels selfish to ask what I want, and what will make me happy.  Since I was a child, I took care of my siblings (my parents divorced and I pretty much raised my little brother).  I seem to only be really happy when I am taking care of someone else.  This is hard for me, because my husband tries to tell me that he is a “big boy,” and can take care of himself.  Which then feeds into the depression.

It has to stop, the cycle cannot continue or eventually I am afraid the depression will win and I will end up another suicide statistic.

This week my goals for recovery are:

1. Reconnect – I have been hiding and pushing people away for so long now that excuses are automatic and my best friend is a dog.  I need to get back into life, though baby steps are probably preferrable.

2. Food – Eat what I want to eat but stop when I should be full.  I say this because after years of overeating I really don’t know what full is.  One donut or in my case eclair, doesn’t mean I have to binge.

3. Trust – I need to learn to let go of my insecurities and trust.  I need to believe that someone (my husband) could love me, and not keep feeling inadequate.

4. Me Time – I need to find out what other things I like, or take some time to myself once in awhile.  It is hard, feels selfish, but I think my therapist is right about needing it.

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