It’s become apparently clear, I have maintained my weight within a Medically acceptable range for over a year now. I should be proud of myself, but am not. Why? Because I am a fraud. I don’t eat healthy and exercise to maintain my weight. I binge, purge, overeat and then starve. To everyone else I am faking it, looking like I am getting a hold of my disorder and not worrying people. I walk the tight rope of weighing myself to make sure I stay within range, but barely eating. To me, I can not even look at myself in the mirror. I am an embarrassment!
The past two days I have eaten food until I was so sick I threw up, and then repeated it…. I then hid all the food I might binge on in my house, so I wouldn’t do it again. Good thought, didn’t work. So today I am making a declaration that yesterday was a setback and that I will not punish myself by starving. I mean if I am ever going to truly be better I need to stop the cycle. This binge, purge, overeat, starve isn’t working. I feel like crap. I am miserable and I am tired of pretending I am healthy.