Thoughts

Feeling Raw

Yesterday I was perhaps more honest with you than I have been with anyone in the past few years.  I am good at hiding my emotions, and treating them with food.  Whether it’s starving or binging, I have been the ultimate listener and problem solver for everyone I know, and yet I never share my problems with them.  Mostly, I don’t want to worry them and I don’t want them to know how truly “sick” I am.

Opening up finally made me admit somethings to myself and I really wanted to be brave enough to tell my husband somethings.  But somehow, “Honey, I throw up in the shower so I won’t worry you and you think I am eating…” or “I eat laxatives like candy…” just didn’t seem like the way to start.  Part of me is scarred.  If I admit my problems then I won’t be able to do them anymore, and he will constantly worry about me.  He is finally less worried about me now that he sees me eat and I have gained weight.  Even though I am sure that I am overweight and my stomach is constantly either bloated, starving, or sore from laxatives, I have still gained enough weight to satisfy him.  I don’t want him to go through that again, however, can I really get better if he doesn’t know what is going on? 

This conundrum got me thinking yesterday.  I don’t think I am ready to take that step and tell him everything, but it was nice to finally be honest and talk about it with someone.  Yesterday I did have some small successes, I exercised and ate relatively well.  Then last night I panicked about what to tell/not to tell and binged.  Because there was nothing in the house, I made an excuse to run to the store and then ate in the car on the way home.  I am not proud of it, but that led me to my decision to keep sharing and cooking with you guys but that I am not ready to worry or hurt my family again.

I really wish I knew someone here that I could talk to.  But with my food obsession and depression I have seemed to push everyone here away, including family members.  I feel like I can’t build those relationships again until I am doing better because I have already done so much damage to those relationships that it wouldn’t be fair to ask old friends or family to worry about me when they have their own issues. 

Do any of you have tips or advice that has worked for and helped you? 

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