Thoughts

Happy?

I have been told over and over to tell myself that I deserve to be happy. To stop sabotaging my life and to stop punishing myself by either starving or binging.

The problem is… what is happy? I have always felt emotions so acutely… that as a child my grandmother called me her Tenderheart Care Bear. I take everything so personally. Sure, I may have learned to hide it on the outside, but it still hurts.

Today I am declaring to everyone that I deserve to be happy, healthy and loved. I reserve the right to say ‘no.’ Its something that I am had at and probably won’t use much but sometimes you just have to say no.  I will treat you and everyone with respect and ask that you do the same for me. I deserve to be hugged, cuddled and talked to without feeling like a patient. I want to be alive again and it starts today.

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Dinner

Farmers Market Pasta

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Pasta and chocolate are probably the two items I cannot live without.  I am a carbaholic.  Last night I ran to the farmers market on the way home and wanted to make a pasta dish.  This is a quick dish, that is relatively low in calories if you ignore the ratio of pasta to vegetables and that I like cheese.  I would have added more veggies and less pasta, but I really bought the veggies for another dish and the pasta was an afterthought on the way home.

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Thoughts

Feeling Raw

Yesterday I was perhaps more honest with you than I have been with anyone in the past few years.  I am good at hiding my emotions, and treating them with food.  Whether it’s starving or binging, I have been the ultimate listener and problem solver for everyone I know, and yet I never share my problems with them.  Mostly, I don’t want to worry them and I don’t want them to know how truly “sick” I am.

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Thanks to Howard Wolowitz my husband has had an unhealthy obsession with beef brisket.  Because there are only two of us, we bought a whole brisket but only cook a quarter of it at a time.  There is still plenty and he gets leftovers later.

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Dinner

Smoked Brisket on the Grill

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Dessert

Strawberry Crumb Stress Bars

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These beauties came up because I had some strawberry jam a neighbor made, that I needed to use, and some leftover almond flour from macarons.    That would be a great excuse if it were 100% true.  Yes, I had those items, but in reality we bought a new car that day and I was beyond stressed.  It is just me or does anyone else wonder how a car salesman sleeps at night?  We walked out on two salesman because they were being rude and wanted us to sign papers before they would even tell  us anything about the cars.  They blamed “company policy,” but really I think they were just jerks.

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